Lord, please help me while I struggle under the weight of toxic emotions being triggered from my abusive childhood, through events that have happened in the last couple days, combined with my feelings of SHAME that I cannot pay my own bills, despite them ONLY being around $400/month.
In a nutshell, what happened was that I FINALLY got to work a few hours, made like $60, then found out the next morning that the clients I cared for tested positive for COVID… when I wasn’t even told there was any suspicion or –even more unbelievable– that there were pending test results for COVID…!! So now I find myself jobless and a THREAT to everyone…!! I cannot work at the home I was scheduled for, without further endangering my sister’s family who took me in out of the cold, allowing me to STOP living in my mini van and actually have a warm room and a DESK… (JOY!)… and I cannot work anywhere ELSE, without endangering THOSE people… and now, to make matters worse, my sister and her kind-hearted but aging husband have returned for a week to their OWN home where I am staying. They were already headed here, when I got the COVID news from my bosses, and there is already another very vulnerable person in the home. My sister has enough confidence in masks and handwashing that she can even HUG me… but really all I have to trust in is God and Him being FAITHFUL. I HAVE TO believe He knows what He is doing, and that even though it FEELS like it, this is NOT just one more beating-Fran-down event to “prove” to me that I am just Garbage People…!
Perhaps you can imagine how I am feeling: violated, betrayed, and DIRTY — a toxic trio of emotions I’ve felt since I was in diapers, so much that it seems like “the story of my life”. When I first found out yesterday morning, I was devastated, confused, lost. I felt trapped and suicidal, hopeless. And DIRTY, filthy, GARBAGE PEOPLE!!! My Mate got mad at my emotions, ran out of the room… then came back, and talked to me. But I still couldn’t see what was happening, how the events were triggering childhood emotions and reactions. It DID help to understand WHY I am feeling such powerful emotions… but it is still a struggle to keep trying, keep believing that God has a plan… But like I’ve said countless times, the ONLY thing I can be SURE of, in this life, is that God is Faithful.