Lord, you see my heart and mind and body — all my strengths and weaknesses, all my hangups, all my talents, all my needs, all my potential, all my dreams. You know where I’m going, and you’ve been with me every step of where I’ve been thus far. I have no doubt whatsoever that you will be with me closely, every moment I have left to live upon this earth. THANK YOU for seeing, for knowing me, for helping me, for leading me. Please help me to stop fretting and worrying about the somewhat “small stuff” Lord. At the same time that my husband, my Mate, seems to be needing to just hang out and be together, I am also feeling pressured to work and make money for us. And I feel a desperate need to make money doing my OWN creative things, so that I am not forced back into selling my time for money, working a non-creative job that leaves me DRAINED, for VERY little money. I know that it is YOU who provides, not me. But I cannot help but feel HURT that the week+ of agonizing COLD in Texas completely halted the FLOW I had gotten into, churning out NEW digital worksheets and working on the site and my Jo Journals and some other stuffs in the background. I was even concerned that my laptop might not survive the subzero temperatures without any electricity to keep it warm enough. Now, this is the third day in a row that I have EXPECTED to get back into the flow, to dedicate my time to building these things… and the third day of disappointment in that area, while I instead look to the ways of my household and the needs of my Mate. Truly the verse above says it all — even decades past childbirth, the woman still pines for her man — that is her burden, perhaps even her shame. Especially when he is sitting right next to you, and you STILL never feel close enough, never feel like you ARE enough — even when he tells you as much. There were some beautiful moments during the COLD, when we were without power, when I felt closer to my Mate than ever before, blessed by your Hand, warm enough inside my “greenhouse” van without the engine even running. I delighted in welcoming him into my sacred space where only you and I have been. WHY has my heart been a certain shade of heavy since that same night, when we argued, and I felt slighted? So many moments have been given to me, so many beautiful words and loving reassurances from my Mate SINCE that night… yet somehow I feel distant from them, from him, even from myself. I don’t understand any of it. The only thing that makes sense is that verse above. You have set some type of deep longing in a woman’s heart for her man, a connection that can only be appreciated in the moment, can never be counted on or held onto or even quite remembered fully. And I feel SHAME and PRESSURE in that I also have to bear the burden of working HARD to make a living, bringing in whatever income I can, for us. Father, please help me GROW, help me LEARN, help me become better than this, more like YOU. Help me to appreciate what I have, because it IS enough. And help me to FEEL the precious moments with my Mate, and to RELAX enough to let YOU provide for us. I give you my heart, my mind, my time, my hands, my dreams, my stubborn will.
Make of me what you will. Help me to be your little Acceptance with Joy. Amen.