Lord, it HURTS to write, write, write all about all the things I have lived through. Tommy. Most especially Tommy. And Stoney. Why is it, that the memories that haunt me most are those that involve the pain of others, rather than my own? Of course this is understandable with my children or my Mate, or even my other family members or good friends… but both Tommy and Stoney I only knew for VERY short periods. And there were other BOYS whom I saw get hurt, and that hurt me more than suffering my own abuses to body and mind and spirit. And for whatever reason, I tend to not feel much for females as much as for males. It just seems we are more or less designed to endure abuse. Or at least that is how it seems, at this moment when I have been writing about my own sufferings over the years.
Well, I would like to apologize to the faithful readers of this little prayer blog. I know it has been a LONG time since I have written, and I have only posted like one or two times each month for many, many months. My sincerest apologies. I probably shouldn’t be posting right now either, for I am LOW at this moment. Today I have pulled IN, separated myself from everyone I know, including my Mate. My fiftieth birthday is only two and a half weeks away, and my “life story” books are in their final stages, and it has gotten HARD. I blew up at my Mate last night and realized just how TOXIC I am right now. I really do not need to be around people at all, but I am still working at least 32-40 hours per week, we are still short-staffed, and I am still trying to save money to pay the stupid IRS and to make it back to Texas for the winter, etc. Fortunately, most of the hours I work are only “night-time monitoring” — staying basically awake while my clients sleep in their beds, in their home. And the eight to ten hours per week that I DO have interaction with my clients, I can definitely manage to remain kindhearted and professional. I can hold back my emotions for THAT long, for those tender people. But my Mate? That is harder. He is tougher, AND it FEELS like he ought to be more supportive and understanding and COVER me while I go through this… but honestly, only God can REALLY do that. So instead of breaking down in front of him, hurting him by watching me go through this, I have pulled away. I can charge all my devices and batteries at work during the night, and sleep in my minivan pretty much ANYWHERE during the day… and WRITE and EDIT and FINISH my books, whenever I can fit it in — which is a LOT easier when you are not around anyone else at all. So that’s where I am at. Wish me luck.